I Am Not Like Other People

10 Things I Do Not Understand, Which Certify I Am Not A Normal Person*:

image: Tina Urso McDaniel 2017

1) The allure of chocolate fountains. One of the least tasty chocolate delivery methods I can possibly imagine. And is it really possible for those things to ever be fully cleaned? Seems like a giant breeding ground for diseases of all kinds. No thanks.
 
2) The supposed difficulty of folding fitted sheets. I am told this is a difficulty for everyone except me, my family, and Martha Stewart. It is a simple 3-step process taught to me at the age of ten, people! Just get your corners together! Yeesh!
 
3) The supposed mystery of where lost socks go. Seriously, no mystery here. Which brings me to...
 
4) The supposed problem of lost socks in general. Sure, if you use a laundromat, you’re going to lose some things, even pants, but since living in homes with my own laundry, I have lost exactly one sock. One. And that was because I grew impatient and threw it away. It’s mate showed up the following week; so technically, not even that one was lost. Now you want to talk about lost watches, I’m totally with you. But no one ever talks about that.
 
5) Nachos. Totally gross.
 
6) The difficulty with “understanding” jazz, particularly free jazz. It’s music; what’s to understand?! I frequently listen to jazz all day long, and have literally spent entire afternoons listening to free jazz on repeat. What’s not to love?
 
7) The problem of repeatedly losing/misplacing one’s keys, glasses, etc. I am very absentminded, and yet this is absolutely no problem for me. (I admit, this may have something to do with the fact that I both have a virtually photographic memory and am also very anxious, so habitually check for the locations of all important items five times. But I digress...)
 
8) The use of personal technology in the bathroom. Seriously, never even considered it. Isn’t that what catalogs are for?

9) Most people are closet criminals. Apparently social control is the only thing keeping all of you who I thought were nice moral people in line? Still reeling from the realization 20 years ago that most people, given invisibility, would use it to steal things and spy on naked people. Not me, and I’m watching all of you, closely, for signs of your true selves.

10) Seriously though, you all really never read contracts or TOS before you sign? Really? Still have trouble believing this. I can’t be the only one, can I?

*note: I fully understand that all individuals are unique in their own ways, and that all people, even myself, are like other people in other ways, such as our universal simultaneous love/hate for Ikea. This essay is not about those things.