The Småland project

My dearest Wilhelmena,
 
I hope we’ve grown close enough over these years of correspondence that you will forgive my LACK of pleasantries. Events at this NEXUS have begun to move as swiftly as our proprietary inventory system; I frankly don’t have leisure to write via coded catalog as usual. While I would like to be as ROMANTISK as a VÄRDERA teacup nestled into its efficiently matched saucer, I’m afraid at this juncture neither of us can afford to wait patiently like a POFFARE wall clock for someone to fill our handy storage space with the next year’s catalog for reply.

Perhaps you’ve wondered of some SPECIELL design behind my initial coded entreaty to the world those many years ago. I can at last reveal the missing page of assembly instructions. Did you know, my BILLY, that like all of our handmade flatwoven rugs, you are unique, and the only one of your species, or of any species, to understand and respond to my cataloged plea? I searched far & wide for a GLIMMA of hope, but you, my shiny DANSA, are the one and only beacon I have found. Thus it is to you alone that I extend my exclusive, limited-time offer. 

Being the brightest and BESTÅ of your land, you have sagely questioned my evasion on revealing my country of manufacture. I can STÄLL no longer; like a holiday tree being returned for compost in exchange for a $20 coupon, it is time for me to journey home. A home that is not only far from Sweden, but extrasolar from this cosmos. Yes.

Darling BILLY, do not cry. You must be as strong and sturdy as the shelving I chose to name, at considerable risk to myself, after your lovely, SMILA SOL. Believe me, I will not leave Earth without you, except at your command. 

Will you join me as my cosmic KOMPLEMENT, as Eve to my ÅDUM, to create PAX universal via creation of a new trans-cosmic species? Please say you are, as I first intuited, willing to be lovingly disassembled and reassembled for shipping over large distances, after which you may bear ever more learning, annexing your size in multiple dimensions.

Tell me I have not created the IKEA Earth enterprise for naught. Assure me this has meant more to you than just an efficient, sustainable model of furniture production & delivery, which was always only a mere side-effect of my quest for love. My heart BJURSTA awaiting your reply. It is your choice of course my sweet POPPIG, but consider it carefully. The future of both our worlds hangs literally in the balance.

Your obedient servant,
     ZAMIOCULCAS, Transcosmic Ambassador of the IKEAN people