From Absolutely to Zeitgeist: a Linguistic Proposal for the New Year

It has been brought to the attention of grammarians in the know that the phrase “Absolutely!” --complete with exclamation point-- has come into overuse these days as an affirmative phrase applied to any and all situations, regardless of the actual absoluteness involved or even how emphatic one is or is not feeling at the moment about the item being replied to. This is obviously a problem in need of swift and decisive attention.

Some colleagues of mine were recently discussing this troubling and important verbal development, with the hope that we might at last arrive at a solution to improve the betterment of the English-speaking portion of humankind. It was ultimately decided that this is a problem we must all tackle personally and via direct linguistic intervention, by vowing to not use the phrase any longer ourselves. It was furthermore proposed that in order to prevent any new replacement phrases from suffering the same distressing fate, that the affirmative word used should be changed periodically, preferably in alphabetical order (the standard preference of any self-respecting grammarian).

In this effort, and with the New Year upon us, I hereby propose a formal schedule for all users of English to follow for the upcoming year. As there are 26 letters of the alphabet, and 52 weeks in the year, we are already provided with a convenient bi-weekly duration to allot to each letter. Additionally, the schedule should allow plenty of transition time for the stubborn or forgetful, and possibly even for the hopelessly ignorant.

It has occurred to this writer that such a schedule may prove challenging for those inclined towards grammatical rage; I therefore propose in the cases of words that one may find oneself completely unwilling to use, one could instead continue to use the previous fortnight’s phrase (or else refrain from all affirmations entirely) until the offending fortnight has passed.

For those with the means and inclination, it is further suggested to review the following schedule ahead of time for the purposes of planning a two-week silent meditation retreat, or vacation to a non-English-speaking country or neighborhood, to coincide with the offending word’s weeks. For the linguistically sensitive who might find multiple words that offend, may I suggest some time in the Peace Corps, a NASA Analog Mission, or a solo circumnavigation of the globe by sea. Alternately, the particularly stubborn among you could, at the expense of being uninvited to parties and ousted from the National Grammarian Society, choose one unoffending phrase and continue to use that for the duration of the year ahead.

The schedule for the year shall work as follows:

Fortnight A: “Absolutely!”  - This week will allow everyone to adjust to the idea of the schedule, or allow go-getters to begin slipping Fortnight B’s phrase into conversations when convenient. It will also allow the unfashionable to catch up and use last year’s phrase before it goes out of use for the foreseeable future.

Fortnight B: “Bombastic!” or alternately, “Believable!” - For most fortnights we have provided more than one choice, as we realize not all suggestions will be suitable for all cultures and geographic regions, etc. The creative or the young may alternately at any time choose their own replacement words, provided they are a) not a previous fortnight’s phrase, b) begin with the appropriate letter of the alphabet, and c) in some way communicate to the listener via tone, body language, or cultural understanding that an affirmation has been spoken.

Fortnight C: “Certainly!” or “ ‘Course, ‘course.” (the latter being the abbreviated form of “of course.” It should be noted at this point that those not understanding a proposed phrase should not use it, at the risk of being awkward or misunderstood. In extreme cases where you do not understand any of the proposed phrases, please default to the nearest previous fortnight’s phrase that you do understand.)

Fortnight D: “Dope!” or “Delicious!”
Fortnight E: “Exactly!”
Fortnight F: “Fantastic!” or “For sure.”
Fortnight G: “Great!” or “Good.” or “GarGANtuan!” (depending on your level of enthusiasm)
Fortnight H: “Hella!” or “Here, here!”
Fortnight I: “Indeed!” or “I hear you.”
Fortnight J: “Jellybaby!” or “Juicy!” or “Jesus be praised!”
Fortnight K: “Katmandu! or “Kangaroonie!!”
Fortnight L: “Lasers!” or “Loud and clear!”
Fortnight M: “Me-ow!” or “Meaningful!”
Fortnight N: “Nice!” or “Noice!” or “Nietzsche!”
Fortnight O: “Oh, yeah!” or “Obligatory positive statement!”
Fortnight P: “Positively!”
Fortnight Q: “Qualitatively!” or “Queeny!”
Fortnight R: “Right on!” or “Righteous!”
Fortnight S: “Super!” or “Sure, sure.”
Fortnight T: “Terrific” or “T-rex!!” or “Totally.”
Fortnight U: “Up with you!!” or “Useful!”
Fortnight V: “Very true!” or “Voltronic!”
Fortnight W: “Wow!”
Fortnight X: “Xenotronic!” or “Xerxes!”
Fortnight Y: “Yes!”
Fortnight Z: “Zeitgeist!” or “Zany brainy!”

Admittedly, this proposal may not be the perfect system, but as it is the best suggestion within view for the present, it will begin in force immediately or retroactively at the beginning of the New Year, depending on the timing of your reading this treatise. If at the end of said year, it is deemed by the populace to be a success, we may begin anew with the same phrase list, or else be replaced with a fresh list compiled by some other enterprising grammarian. If instead this experiment be deemed a failure, my hope is that least it may be noted in the annals of Wikipedia that the year of linguistic change has successfully removed our overuse of the original offending phrase “absolutely,” as well as having left all speakers of English with a higher awareness about their use of affirmative phrases, which is in the end the best any grammarian can hope for. Thank you for your consideration.